HAPPY

So here's a thing that has been a huge issue for me for most of my life, and I know there are millions of others that feel the same way as I do, so I feel that I should address it.

I have never been one of those people who can just walk into a room full of strangers and get on with it. I am the one who gets too intimated to even act natural and ends up walking funny or putting on an accent, and I don't know why because it's not as if it helps in any way. I don't mean to do it, I am just incapable of taking new situations in my stride. This has meant that moving up through school has been quite difficult, and the transition has resulted in the evolution of several different 'Molly's'.

Primary school was a pretty simple time, as our village school is tiny and everybody is friends with everybody. There weren't really any cliques or stereotypical school groups, and all 16 of us in the year were buddies. I didn't know quite how bad my issues with confidence were back then. I mean, I was always quite a chubby child, and I knew that I looked different to the other girls in my year, and I had to have a different shape of summer dress to 'hide my tummy'. It didn't really bother me then because it didn't change people's opinions of me and it didn't affect how we all socialised. After all, we were just children.

But then high school rolled around. I knew it was going to be hard because throughout the whole of year 6, our lovely teacher had been preparing us for the change, trying her hardest to emphasise quite how tiny our school of less than 100 was, compared to the high school with around 300 in year 7 alone. I never really expected to be separated from Hattie, and I sort of just thought that we would be put in the same form, as we'd been together for everything the whole time that we'd known each other. I remember the day that we found out what forms we would be in and how we rang each other, me being completely confident that she too would have '7LJP' printed on her letter. I think thats why it affected me so badly, and the tears that followed were huge and heavy and filled with absolute fear. If we weren't going to be in the same form, I wouldn't have any friends in any of my lessons for a whole year. Right now it seems so silly, having gone through five years of high school and knowing that it turns out absolutely fine and that we're now closer than ever, but little 11 year old Mol was having absolutely none of it.

Year 7 was a pretty poor time for me. I managed to meet up with Hattie every break and lunchtime, and soon she started bringing along Clem, who also happens to be incredibly lovely and beautiful and we've come all this way together. But I was still alone for all of my lessons. I remember being incredibly quiet and lonely and only spoke if I was spoken directly to. Unfortunately, it was only really teachers that spoke to me, so I was left being the weird silent kid that was wholly avoided. As the year went on, Hattie then introduced me to Ellie, another lovely human being, and despite being polar opposites, her being one of the cool kids, good at sport and maths and pretty much anything that you threw at her, we became good friends, and then even better friends, and now I know that I could not live my life without her.

Yet I still hadn't made any friends of my own. I knew Ellie had a sister, Holly, who was in my form. They are pretty similar (and I don't know if this will offend them, sorry guys) so I was a little nervous to approach her, and it was that kind of awkward 'well I'm friends with your sister and I know I should be friends with you but I'm too shy' feeling. Anyway, I can't remember at all how we came to be like we are now, but I have something so special with Hol that I can't put into words, but I just love her so much.

(I'm getting all gushy now, and we're not even into the juicy bits yet)

This is how we continued for most of year 7 and 8, just the five of us, and we were happy. I was always kind of aware that they were there for Hattie though, and that I was just the extra, the freebie that came with Hat. It was sort of like a buy one get one free deal, except you didn't get the choice to just buy the one. I didn't know what it was that made me feel that way, but thats just how I felt. Looking back, I can see that it wasn't the case (I hope anyway), and that they were there for me too... I just needed a few years to realise it.

It was around this time that I started to get incredibly self conscious about my body. I went from being the kind of chubby that your parents think "It's ok, she'll grow out of it in a few years' to completely out of control. I was gaining weight and growing outwards instead of upwards. I knew it was a problem but I kept eating, and kept making myself more and more unhappy. I was comparing myself to all of the people around me, specifically my friends with gorgeous figures. It only got worse as we grew up, when they got boobs and curves and taller. I got boobs and curves too, only mine were huge and not how I wanted them. 

I was quite happy in my school uniform, as it was quite large and covered everything and everybody was dressed the same, so it didn't matter that it wasn't cool, because I was blending in. PE was one of the times that I dreaded the most, because it meant getting changed in front of a fairly large portion of the girls in our year. I don't really think anybody cared about how anybody else looked, but I managed to get it into my head that I was a laughing stock, and went to great lengths to just get changed as quickly as I could... Not that the PE kit was any better.

Non-uniform days were quite the stresser too. Being the oldest child, I didn't have an older cool sibling to tell me what to avoid at all costs and what would give me the street cred. I was left to my own devices and regret it hugely. I soon cottoned on to the fact that Hollister and Jack Wills were the brands that ultimately scored you all of the popularity points, and this just made the situation worse for me. You see, I couldn't wear these brands because they just wouldn't fit. This did wonders for my confidence, as you can imagine.

Year 9 was another huge change for me. Why? Being honest, it wasn't even that big of a change. It was the year that we started our GCSE courses, and we were able to only take the subjects that we wanted, which was fab because it meant no more crappy music or history lessons, but it also meant that we were forced to mix with the other side of the year. This was a huge problem. For starters, there were so many people that I just didn't even know existed, so striking up a conversation or even attempting to make friends was not going to happen. 

One good thing to come out of this was that I was put into a geography class with Hat and El, which helped tremendously, and I reckon could have been one of the reasons that I've grown so attached to the subject. We also met a lovely pair of lads in this group that really truly have affected me more than any others, but I'll get back to these because I've got lots more soppy things to say about them.

Year 9 was the year that I realised that I was actually growing up, and my attitudes towards everything were changing. It was almost overnight, but I became so emotional and constantly on edge, nervous and even more shy. I still am an emotional wreck most days, but I've just learnt to accept it. However, back then, accepting it was the last thing I was willing to do. I managed to create this impression that I was some stone cold witch woman, and someone that just didn't have feelings. I know that I was fooling absolutely no-one, but I managed to convince myself, and for a while, I think it helped with confidence. I started to think more about the things that were stopping me from being who I wanted to be, and began to control them. I started listening to music that I liked, instead of what the radio told me that I should like, and I started wearing clothes that I felt fitted more with my style. I got my ears pierced and started wearing makeup, and even rolled my kilt up every now and again. (although I would never admit it)

Things seemed to be getting better for me, and for a while, I was loving life! I had made two more good friends in this time, Sophia and Lucy, who probably won't mind me saying this, but they never really got on together, even though they both seemed to get on so well with me. We're still going strong, so that's fab.

The summer holidays in-between year 9 and 10 was pretty awful. It is the time that I remember feeling quite grown up, and thinking in a way thats similar to how I think now... You know how your thoughts kind of change and mature with you? Thats kind of what I mean. Anyway, I realised that I was actually nearly an adult and my parents started to expect more responsibility for me, and I reckon it all just got too much, and I started to get panic attacks. I was literally getting them every few days in that 6 week period, so I started to actually think about things and came to a few conclusions:

1. I am incredibly emotional and there's just no point in pretending anymore

2. I get borderline obsessive over everything, from people to completely inanimate objects... I still haven't quite got over my obsession for Scooby Doo

3. None of my friends were actually friends that I had made for myself, they were made and maintained through Hattie

4. I was lonely.

I realised that I had become so attached to my friends and the lovely people around me at school that I couldn't handle six weeks without them. I still do get lonely and hate long holidays, especially when we have no plans and I know that I won't see people for ages. If you read our group chats (which I 100% would not recommend) you'll find lots of dead plans to meet up, and ideas that never really saw the light of day. I understand that not everybody always wants to go out, or can afford to go out, and I know that I suggest things so often, and I completely do not mean to pressure people with my constantly wanting to do things.

Anyway, I was so excited to go back into year 10 and see everyone again, and I think this was the point where I really began to appreciate every relationship that I had, and I hate the phrase, but I 'came out of my shell'. I made friends for myself, or at least, that's how I see it.

The two chaps that I mentioned before from geography became a huge part of my life in this year. I started to find a little bit of confidence and speak to them, admittedly, sometimes about things that were COMPLETELY inappropriate and obscene, but that seemed to work and we became closer and closer. One of them was in my science group, which we just happened to have a lesson for everyday, and we were seated next to each other in each lesson, so we very soon became very close and I formed a somewhat worrying obsession over him. I'm pretty sure he knows, but I love him and I won't go any further than that.

He was a friend that I made completely by myself, through my own efforts and I was not willing to let that go. This led me to one of my most fabulous ideas ever in the world. Seriously, I'm so proud of this idea. I'm still well chuffed when I think about it now. 

It came to me when we were at Hattie's, just playing on the Wii. We happened to be playing the bowling game, which is almost 100% where the idea came from, but I just thought:

"OMG LETS GO BOWLING WITH THE GEOGRAPHY GROUP!"

So we did! To my surprise, everybody actually seemed well up for it, so me Hat, Hol, El, the two lads, plus Oscar and Finn, went bowling. It was my first proper trip with a group of people that I didn't know well... I had barely spoken to Finn or Oscar before, but I managed ok and actually must have been normal, because we stayed friends for quite a while. 

However, as year 11 passed, my science buddy became the only one from the boys that I was still very close with, although we did keep in touch with the others. Year 11 was a SUPER EMOTIONAL time for me, as I'm sure it was for most. I don't remember much apart from stress around exam time, and absolute bliss afterwards. But the end of year 11 brought with it heaps of stress and nerves. I had to try and find a ball dress. I had an absolute nightmare when looking for a dress. I'd always imagined that by the time year 11 rolled around, I would have lost a load of weight and I'd have my dream figure and a hot date and perfect hair and makeup. It was, in fact, quite the opposite. I spent months ordering dresses and sending them back because I couldn't get them done up, or because they made me look incredibly short or emphasised my huge boobs or hips of whatever the hell else. Eventually, I found a short navy strapless dress. It was plain and boring and I wasn't completely happy with it, and it didn't even fit me very well, but it was the best thing I had tried, so I kept it. 

When the day finally arrived, I was so excited but very unhappy with how I looked. I sort of just got on with it and smiled through the picture taking all day, knowing that I wouldn't be happy when the pictures came through, but I can't argue that I wasn't immensely happy that day. There was the looming feeling of 'some of these people I will literally never see again after today', but that didn't really apply as much to me, because all of my friends were staying on at sixth form with me.

Sixth form.

Oh boy, here we go.

For the first term of sixth form, I absolutely hated it. I didn't like the fact that everything had changed, and there were external students and we were mixed with the year 13's, and the teachers expected you to be completely ok with presentations and speaking in front of the whole class, and the teachers didn't know you personally, or know your abilities, and everything just sucked in general. It made it worse that there is a canteen open all day right in the middle of the common room. I don't think I've ever put on weight as quickly as I did in the first few months of year 12, getting to be the biggest form of myself I have ever been. 

After christmas, I realised my love for geology, and especially my geology teacher. He is such a lovely man and he's so genuinely there for us to succeed. A geology trip to Arran changed my life completely. Firstly, I would be spending the whole week with Hol and Clem, both of whom I love dearly, but also my two geography buds and their incredibly sexy friend, I was so nervous to be spending the whole week with him, but it actually turned out fab. It started off pretty rocky, when on the train ride I managed to nervously slip back into my Australian accent and annoy the hell out of him, but after that, we were put in the same group for our various expeditions every day, and I actually acted like a regular human being around him and we got on pretty well. He knew that I fancied the pants off of him, but that didn't seem to make much of a difference, and it was all ok. Since then, I've actually had quite a few regular conversations with him, which I'm quite proud of.

This trip also made me realise my complete love for Holly. She's so lovely and beautiful and special and bloody hilarious. I honestly don't know how it took me five years to realise it hol, but you're honestly the best and I just love you so much.

This trip was also so so special because it was the first time that I ever properly got to know the other geography bud (I know it feels horribly impersonal and rude to call him this but I don't know that he wants his name out). He was with me for the entire trip and I don't even know how but we just got so close and ended up being best friends without even realising. He gave me the first proper hug that I ever really had. I was wholeheartedly upset and in all sorts of a mess, and he just pulled me in and hugged me tighter than anybody ever done before. I've never really been one for physical contact, and especially not hugs, but he knows when you need them and he makes everything better. 

I would put him as one of the main reasons that I have changed so much in the past six months. I have become so much more confident and happy and it's all down to him. We seem to just completely click and get on and match each other perfectly. Obviously I can't speak for him, but I just love to have him around. He has such a calming presence and peaceful touch, and I just want to spend as much time as I possibly can around him. 

After the trip, I got home and things got very bad. I wouldn't say that I've experienced depression before, but this was definitely the closest I've got to it. It was honestly scary. I wasn't myself, and I just felt empty and sad and ate more and more, I stopped caring about school or what I looked like and eventually, even seeing the faces of the people I loved didn't help to make me feel any better. 

I never considered hurting myself in the way that some might, but in a way, I still was. I was eating and eating and I knew it was breaking my body but it didn't stop me. 

It took the most unexpected experience to sort me out. All it took was for an hour in the common room, one free with him. I can't even remember what we did or talked about or anything, but I remember walking out of that room, into geology and feeling like everything had shifted, and I was me again. I have him to thank for an awful lot, and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain all of this to him, because I don't even understand it myself. 

Theres something about him that just completely fills me confidence and self worth and makes me feel like I can actually achieve anything. Strangely, I also feel like I can wear anything around him. He is a judgement free zone, and I'll tell you what: this has helped endless amounts with body confidence and accepting myself for the size I am and what I look like. To you it may seem like nothing, but I was able to wear a crop top to school the other day. Thats something I never thought I'd be able to say. I am finally feeling that confidence and positivity thats allowing me to wear what I want to wear and feel beautiful in it. (I think there's going to be a follow up post about this, I just need a sunny day for pictures first :) )

I recently spent a beautiful night with him and our geography friend, and it was one of the best nights I've had in my life. I was just so happy, and that's all I ever want to be. They make me happy, as well as all of the other truly wonderful friends that I have in my life, and I just don't know what I would do without them.

I've come to a point in my life where all I want to do is be happy. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep myself happy, whether that's through pestering friends to stay and go out with me, or wearing whatever the hell I want. I am going to put my happiness and mental wellbeing before all those other less important things going on in my life, and I am going to be happy.

M

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